If Carlsberg made retards...

Manchester. Picture the scene. It's the £50 F/O donk fest at the G casino and a player has raised mid position, followed by calls from three players after him. I call with 79 in the SB.

The poker gods decide to reward my out of position call against a total of 6 players by flopping me a full house. Yes - 7 7 9. I bet this every day of the week cause I know I'm getting paid and sure enough I'm called by just the one player, the one who raised first.

Turn is a beautiful Ace. I'm loving this cause I now think i check as if scared and you know the rest. But when I check the OR checks as well.

The river is another ace.

I check and the OR bets out fairly weak. Now here's the bit I shouldn't be admitting, but as I have less shame than Jordan here it is.

Obviously I'm fucked here by the river. But in my head - where there is a hell of a lot of empty space - I was ahead. (Explanation to follow, bear with me, it's good )

So I reraised him. He flat called me (obviously the guy could only have been scared of quad sevens to have not put me allin here lol) and turns over AQ - obviously he now has the better full house. BUT...

I cheerfully turned over my now defunct 97 and asked the dealer what he was doing as he pushed the chips over to the winner - which wasn't me. Everyone - even the girl who had never played before - all looked at me as if I was mad (and what?), and the dealer quietly pointed out to me that the guy with the AQ had the better full house.

How we laughed!

Well, they did anyway. I just cringed for quite a while and "made my way over to the cash table".

I really can't defend myself other than Ive been playing so much hi/lo on Stars that I really did believe he only had trip aces PLUS I am thinking of other things at the moment - crappy defence but really is true.

That doesn't make it acceptable mind you! A bad workman blames his tools, so I clearly will blame myself - the biggest tool of all.

Played cash for a brief time and my heart wasn't it, then that fit guy who put me off playing in the last post bounded in looking pretty hot again so I raised with 8d2d flopped a flush draw on a j hi flop, other player also missed his flush but as his was the ace high draw it was enough and I couldnt get in the car fast enough.

One more lesson for the little notebook - Don't play poker when I have stuff on my mind. Especially if like me your mind is tiny and can't deal with two things at once :(

Get a lot of test results back early to mid next week so will know a bit more about my health worries after that, so can hopefully relax and play the Blackpool Deepstack without having to do the walk of shame after demanding my two pair beats a flush or something equally embarrasing.

As an aside -Facebook just gets randomer by the day: since changing my name to Cougar on there I get about 3 requests a day from people called Samir and Abdabwah, none of whom have any friends in common with me. I've realised I'm not so needy as to want these randomers on my page so flick the Not Now button, but every so often I get a request from someone I don't know but we have loads of poker buddies in common. Yesterday I get a request from someone, who although I don't know him, I know of him through other mates so I know he actually exists, rather than the botched stalker attempt someone tried at Xmas, so I accept but sent a message saying "Thanks for the ad, but we havent actually met have we?" I get a message back today saying "I can't believe you don't remember me, surely you werent that drunk?" I'm sure he's joking but I'm just off to trawl his pictures in case I had a brandy blackout at any time recently! Think it's time to change my name again - suggestions please? Be nice...

Doom switch?

I've only recently started to play on Stars as I'm comfy on iPoker with all the other fish. In January I began playing single table Sit n Gos in Omaha H/L and found them ridiculously soft - as long as you can dodge the mentalists it's pretty easy to cash, at this low level anyway.

Now I never check my stats online. Ignorance is definitely bliss and all that. But at a cash game in manchester last week someone I was sat next to brought up a stats site to check on another guy we were playing who was telling us all how good he was online presumeably to compensate for the fact he was bleeding cash live). Of course he asked me what my online name was and I told him - I had no shame admitting how bad I was online when sat next to him with over 1k in £50s at the time.

My tourny stats were still on a downward spiral due to all the UKIPT sats I had been a seat filler in, but my SnG graph was shockingly good! The lines were going up instead of down and it was blue not red, which was definitely a first. I was so chuffed I went home, fired up the laptop at 4am and promptly crashed out of seven games immediately.

Anyway, I've perservered with them, and stuck with low stakes 8 Game to stop me from getting bored and actually managed to cash out yesterday - only £400 but it's still better than depositing. I would have had more but a Blonde member sat at my table put the notion into my head to enter one of the Stars Sundays, where I was chip leader for about a nano second, then I was out.

I left about £100 to continue playing with and a few people said to watch out for the doom switch now I'd cashed out. Now I've put this to the test before on iPoker and personally don't believe in it for a second. I know exactly why I lose any balance straight after withdrawing a decent cash and it's nothing to do with a little switch that makes all my nut hands lose and fish catch one outers on the river against me. It's purely down to how I play. Whether its me playing too tight or too scared as I don't want to lose my remaining balance and have to redeposit, or whether its just that I got lucky to win a chunk and normal service has been resumed, I know I've never managed to cash out again a week later.

However, time to try and put that right, I'm going to rename the doom switch the self detonate button and NOT press it this time. (That sounded pretty convincing right?)

The Vegas league has started up again on Poker Encore and we played the first game last Monday where I managed to come a very credible 6th overall out of about 180 players I think. This time you can play Monday or Thursday and your highest placing goes towards the points: I didn't think I would improve so decided to go out and play cash on Thursday night - wish I'd played the League instead or even just stayed in and darned socks.

I don't normally play Thursday night and had been doing a favour for a mate on Thursday afternoon so went straight to the casino looking like a tramp. Not a sexy style tramp but a wino swigging smelly type. Played cash before the comp started, which I wasnt planning on playing anyway, and was happily slumped in my chair wearing a massive jumper which makes me look like the honey monster plus some old leggings with a hole in the crotch so I have to remember to keep my legs crossed, when a guy came in who I hadnt seen for ages. He came over to say hello and I remembered firstly just how much I fancied him and secondly what a trog I looked like. I turned into a proper girly girl and decided to go and play the comp to get away from him as being flustered isnt a state I'm comfortable with, and ended up balls deep in a shitty ten pound rebuy that I would have had to come first, second and third in to get my money back.

Somehow managed to tighten up after the break and found myself on Raf White's table as we played to the bubble, where Raf told me how much he enjoyed my blog,and how he laughed every time he read it as each comp entry ended with "as I made my way to the cash tables".

Obviously I bubbled, courtesy of Raf when my J10 soooted failed to hold against his inferior raggy Ace, so guess what? Yep, I made my way to the cash table....

Like a masochist I took the only seat available next to the guy I have a crush on and did in about £700 playing like a twat. Great night all round really.

Anyway plan for the week this week is the Vegas League again tonight followed by the comp at the G Tuesday night. Back to basics on the cash and stick with what has been working for the past three months - take a set amount, decide how many buy ins and leave if it's not happening. Oh yeah, and play better.

My daughter is off to to see a band on Weds night in Manchester and I'm the taxi, which makes me quite sad as live music has been a massive part of my life and I feel really old that I'm dropping her off at a gig and not going myself. Feel very tempted to pop down to Jillys/Rock World by myself and have a mad session before it's time to pick her up but I'm not sure this is documented anywhere in the responsible parent handbook.

Weekend after next is the Blackpool Mega stack organised by a good mate Rick Gilby, with Martin Devlin and the AWOP team. I won a seat on Encore for a tenner, but had to save it til this month due to it clashing with Luton last month. My mum goes back to Australia again in two weeks so I'll be limited to play live much after that.

One last thing that I'm really not looking forward to - I have to stop smoking. I have an appointment next Monday at a Smoking Cessation clinic and after that, I'll be a Non smoker. I don't have a choice as it's a health issue and I'm glad in a way as I have wanted to stop for ages - well that's a big fat lie actually, I enjoy every single fag I smoke pretty much, but I don't want to die before my daughter grows up, so given the choice, smoking is no longer an option.

I only mention this because I think I may well be pretty bad company until the cravings stop, so you have been warned - bad beat me at your peril ;)

I knew the day wasn't going to go so well once I realised I was wearing my 14 year old daughter's knickers.

Had a quick shower before heading to Manchester UKIPT for the £100 side event, got dressed in a rush as usual and drove off, thinking maybe I was just feeling a bit constricted after being in my loose pyjamas all day. Hopped out of my truck at the casino and nearly tore myself in two.

Hobbled in late for the comp and found my seat. Looking round the table I realised most of the kids there were probably the same age as my daughter and had a furtive glance to see if any of them were Cougar material, but mostly could only see some sort of massive headphones and shades comp going on.

Played first hand J10 on button in a 5 way pot and managed to bully the original raiser to checking down the turn AND the river with the nut flush on a J high board, which felt like an achievement in itself.

Second and last hand I find AA UTG. Blinds 25/50 I have 4300 chips left from a 5k starting stack.

Raise to 125 UTG. Called by guy to my left who has played precisely one less hand than me. Yep, a rock in a field of pansies. The flop comes 3d 10s 4d.

I bet out 300.

He raises me to 2000. I look at the flop and 100% know this guy has called my raise with a pair of tens. He's not repopping me with a flush draw, he's raising with his set because he doesn't like the flush draw and he wants to take it down there and then I assume.

I look at my two black Aces. I turn to the granite guy and say "You have a set of tens don't you?" He says maybe.

So after my soul. read I took the information he had given me, blatantly ignored it and went allin.

He had a set of tens and me covered. GG.

So that's the game reads coming along nicely: maybe a small step backwards in the folding department and a learning curve that is starting to make concentric circles.

So, off to the cash tables, where things improved. Couple of funny hands: an 11 year old boy comes to the table and raises his first hand havin sat down with the table max 300. I'm sitting on the button with j9 off and about £145. The game hadnt been going for long but I was firmly entrenched as table captain and wasn't prepared to relinquish my hold until I was showing a decent profit. (I sat down with £50)

So i popped his £12 raise (blinds 1/2) with £25 on top. He looked a little stunned, I think he was expecting resistance from the two Scandies to my left but had already written me off as a seat filler. Obviously I'm working the woman image and know he will assume I am raising with a premium hand so I figure I can take it down on most flops. He calls, and the flop comes 9 high, which gives me the added bonus of having actually hit something to carry off a C bet with conviction.

Ive about £100 behind he checks I give it a bit of chat and bet £47 clearing pointing out theres no room for folding in my stack and he passes. I flip my J9 and say "I bet I was ahead pre flop as well wasn't I" and he asks the dealer to flip his mucked Jacks over... Still can't decide who looked more stupid - me or him.

I only played a few hands and won pretty much all of them until I raised with 68 suited. The flop came down K68 and I bet straight out after the other four in the pot had checked round to me in the cut off. One caller, UTG a guy who hasnt played many hands post flop and has come across as weak rather than solid. He has about £120 behind after making the call, I'm up to around £350. Turn is a 5 and he checks, I bet out again for just over half of his stack and he sits forever before slowly sliding the lot over the line. I call, last card dealt and it's a 5, which I think has killed my two pair as Im assuming its now given him Kings and 5s.

Yeah my hand was dead for sure - he's filled out holding 56. Hmm.

Anyway ended up about £100 up on the whole night as in got my buy in back from the comp and paid for my food and a round of drinks for Dan Owston/Alex Martin etc, so on reflection was a pretty good result as the drinks alone were about 3 zillion pounds. The Owston Martin is much more expensive than the similarly named car, and possibly even smoother.. Just need to remember to keep my daughter's laundry separate from mine in future so I can move in my chair without feeling like I've just sliced through my butt cheek.


The next day I popped back up for cash and managed to cash out £1230 but was in for £800. Does that mean I'm horrendous or really good for being able to grind it back? Answers to someone who gives a shit - I got my dough back and I don't care.

First table was just sick, enough to make you give up poker and hurt people who shouldn't be allowed their own wallet, never mind allowed into a casino with other people. There was a clear no-fold policy across the board, regardless of pre flop action, regardless of what was on the flop - just regardless of anything. Guy to my right was a local who everyone says is "good for the game" Sigh How I hate that expression.

He called allins FOUR times, for amounts ranging inbetween £120 to £250 on flops with a middle pin and got there most times. Probably the best example was a flop of Ac 8d 9d with about £60 in the middle. He called a pot bet from the original raiser, with another two players behind. The turn was a Ks and he then called off £210 in a 3 way pot. River was a brick and he declares 10 high.

He flips over 10c 6s. He had NO chance of getting there as one guy had 10J  and the other guy had a low flush draw: the 10J guy had a  less money and so the 10 high won the side pot and he was chuffed to pieces as there was no comprehension in him of how much he'd lost in the main pot.

Eventually, after a really weak lad told me I shouldn't raise but just limp in like everyone else was doing, bearing in mind to him AJ was the holy grail, I decided to move to a different table and finally my game got going.

One slightly horrible incident where I'm having a bit of banter with a guy and ask him his name: he says something like Alyoysius and I started to laugh which I felt was a fair response as he was joking right? Nope, he was actually named after his Dad who had only just died. I only found this out AFTER he had shouted a bit and stormed off.

All joking apart I really felt low: bearing in mind I've recently had to live through my own dad's death and knowing just how much of an all time low I'm still struggling to get through, I actually felt like crying for being so crass. I left the table and went to find him to apologise and bless him he accepted it like a gent but I didn't feel any better :(

However, started to feel a lot better sometime later when I sucked out on someone after we got it all in on a flop of 578 with me holding 66: 10 on the turn gives him a set of tens but the 4 on the river sealed the suck out deal for me.

Left about 3am and nearly popped up tonight (saturday) to play the £300 side event but decided to take my daughter out shopping on the Sunday instead, which should prove much more profitable in the long run: just need to make sure any underwear we buy is clearly marked "Mum" and "daughter".

The mental Age of Aquarius..

I have an amazing capacity to make a complete tool of myself with minimal effort.

Whether it's falling down a flight of stairs in a packed bar, breaking a heel at the start of a night out, saying the wrong thing just as everything goes quite, insulting people's parents tofind out they were orphaned at birth.. it never ends.

Years ago a mate and I were driving to the Lakes for a night out (we'd outstayed our welcome anywhere more local obviously) and we got lost on the unlit country roads. We chanced upon a patrol station and I bounced in partially dressed in a clubbing outfit to ask the guy there for directions. I told him we were looking for Windermere and he told me how to get there. As I left he called after me "Aquarius?"

I turned back to him, genuinely mystified and said "Wow, how did you know my starsign?" He looked at me like I was simple and said "No, Aquarius is the name of the club at lake Windermere. I assumed that's where you were headed".

This is just a small sample of some of the frankly retarded things I can do but I thought I had improved, like wine, with age. Nope, I'm still a Lambrini obviously judging by what I did at the G last night.

The Tuesday night comp has antes kick in at level 3 so you have to get chipped up pretty early to be able to play any kind of game so I sat down to find k10 sooooted, which i raised with and got a call from both the blinds. I was obviously planning to C bet it whatever came but as a bonus, the top pair was a ten, on a flushing flop. Decided to take it down straight away by betting 700 into a 900 pot. The small blind looks at his cards again, then looks back at my bet and says "Caroline what are you doing?" I look down to see I've managed to bet 7k instead of 700 into, into a 900 pot. My starting stack was 10k, so ive just committed my whole stack on top pair in the first hand, which I probably could have taken down - I'm guessing - if the small blind hadnt flopped a set. GG.

The only bonus was getting settled into a decent cash game early, which I eventually left cashing out £365. This slightly made up for the insta loss of £50 in one hand in the tourny.

Lesson firmly learnt - check what chips are what denomination in future!

Off to Luton in the morning to do live updates on the English Deepstack - Follow them on Blonde Poker Forum.

My cat lies languidly at the foot of the stairs, secure in the knowledge that as I descend I'm going to twist myself round and use the banister to jump off the last step rather than stand on her. She's so confident that she doesn't even bother to look up as I come down, no matter whether I'm trying to manouvre past her with two loads of washing or rushing to get my daughter to school.

Now if the roles were reversed - as I often sleep on the bottom step - I wouldn't move either. However, not being blessed with that level of security, I would be sat bolt upright, bristling and ready to fight. There would be eye contact all the way from the top step, leading to nose to nose confrontation, a short tussle and inevitably, me losing my throne. My cat is pretty hard as felines go.

So, imagine me sitting at the bottom of the steps holding AK... same result. I'm ready to fight to the death. Only the cat is holding AA of course - I'm relegated to the hallway - same result.

It's not that I like the hand - in fact it often makes me want to just fold preflop in an unopened pot - and I don't think I'm necessarily ahead when it's in my hand. It's just working out how to play it that defeats me.

If I limp or call a raise with it I inevitably end up folding on a 9 high flop, If I raise or 3 bet with it I again inevitably end up folding on a 9 high flop. If I get it all in pre I find I'm either up against a pair and don't hit, or up against a pair, I hit and they make a straight or a set. I think the best way to play AK for me personally may be to just fold it pre and move on :(

I said at Xmas I was going to concentrate on tournaments to try and improve my game, or even to try and find a game somewhere inside me. I've been working hard on developing a more sensible table image, (which can be ruined somewhat when i find someone who knows me at the same table,) attempting to play stronger by 3 or 4 betting in position/against a player I have some tells on, as well as folding hands I would previously have got all my chips in with (and lost). Course I still have temporary lapses of concentration - otherwise known as Tilt - but overall I'm seeing an improvement, judged mainly by my finishing position.

Last week I actually managed to make a few min cashes, which gave me a massive confidence boost, including a live 4 way chop for £400 each, an online win of 820 Euros and a satellite for a seat at the Blackpool Megastack. Ran pretty deep in a number of other comps, mainly satellites and won a few stage 1/2 sats into bigger comps including the Ipoker £200K gtd, which I played last night and came about 500th out of 1080 players... played with air for most of the game and when I finally got hands was out instantly, AA followed by JJ, goodnight.

Haven't played much cash as for various reasons havent got up to Manchester, although had a bit of fun at a local casino in Liverpool and a very drunken session at Star City in Birmingham, where I cashed out over £400 and only just broke even :(

Poker has taken a bit of a back seat for the past few weeks as I've been pretty busy trying to sort out other aspects of life, basically trying to get a bit of order into what has been a pretty disorderly mess for a while. As well as this business with soliciotors that is dragging on and on, I've had to sort out estate agents regarding my house, have meetings with a nightmare tenant and her family, wind up my business from the pub, sort some stuff out at my daughter's school, oh yes and try and decide what I'm going to do to actually make a living - no big deals. However, most things pretty much done and dealt with now, so I'm looking forward to getting in a few more live games and cash sessions, with positive results of course.

I'm off to Luton on Thursday to do updates for Blonde Poker Forum at the English Deepstack, and to meet up with a couple of people for a night out while I'm there. If it's anything like my last poker night out at Manchester GUKPT, I'll be happy! It means I miss the Stoke monthly comp but I'm hoping there will be compensations in one form or another - hopefully from a cash table where no-one knows me!

Shut up or put (your name) up.

I tend to leave all comments on my blog, bad or good, because if anyone can't find the spine to pubish a derogatory comment under their own name, how can you take them seriously?

The way i see it, they are reading MY blog, so there must be something here for them. If they've come on to have a pop I have to assume that a. they are not brave enough to do so in real life and b. they are interested in my life because they don't have one, which makes them feel they have to say something negative.

All hits, that suits me.

I logged on now to update the blog and saw a comment "anon" had left about the Blonde updates being great - hooray - but my poker being shit - boo.

True though.

Ive been playing really badly for ages now for a variety of reasons really I guess. Since I decided not to do my bollocks in online and try to play more seriously, Ive lost loads of the little game I had. Previously where there was no thought process at all, there is now too much, and I'm playing really weak.

Still thinking on that one - I know I want to learn to play tournaments well but I'm so conscious of this that I'm not playing at all.

Cash games not a problem. Presumably it's because I can reload? Or maybe because Ive stuck to what i said at Xmas - playing cash only within my comfort zone, which I know is 1/2 at Manchester G. It's not even as if I always know the players, I don't, I just feel I have a good record there which gives me confidence whoever is sat at the table.

Last 6 times I've played cash at the G I've cashed out up. I've stuck to my plan of only taking a small roll with me and leaving after a few hours rather than before when every note in my house went into the purse and I'd stay til it was time to do the school run.

Having said that, it hasn't been that much fun, although last night went some way to making up for it.

Sat down at a new table with £50. Young blonde lad with a permanent sniff is sat two seats to my left. First few hands he's talking shit and I'm zoning him out cos i know he's the type that will get to me and Ive learnt giving money to people that annoy me isn't the way forward if I want to sleep that night.

He limps UTG and a few people call round to the button, a guy called Billy who raises. Sniffy then slams his stack into the middle shouting AALLLIN. YOU KNOW WHAT IVE GOT FELLA, YOU KNOW IVE GOT EM!!

People in Birmingham knew he had em he was that loud. Of course theres still 4 people inbetween him and Billy and one of them is sitting thinking. Sniffy's still shouting so I said listen lad there's people still to act in my best scouse accent. He looked at me like I was retarded and said yeah but Ive got em!! I'm like so what u dont want paying? Shut up and let the others decide - anyway the other guy folds Jacks while looking for a Fold Of The Century certificate - and Billy calls with some connectors or similar. Aces hold up and Sniffy shoots his load, while telling me he wasn't lying, he really had em.

I pick up A9 on button into a multi limped pot as per usual, flop comes AA4, checked round to a short stack who shoves £23 in.Sniffy leans across the table and starts counting out loud. He's not counting 1.2.3.4 etc he's doing some mental - and I mean mental - arithmetic under his breath that involved Pye and more. Eventually I say "What are you doing?" He looks at me pityingly and says "I'm working out if i have pot odds to call. Don't you use pot odds?"

I call across to Billy "what are pot odds Bill - you heard of them" Of course he straight faces it and shakes his head, so i mumble on about the only pots I know of being the ones in the kitchen when I'm cooking and ironing etc" and dickhead eventually folds, saying as it was only 23% he couldnt call. No I don't know what he meant either.

I say "I have an ace but i dunno if ive got pot odds, I'll take me chances", and of course I win the hand,  everyone's laughing and Sniffy says "why are you picking on me? I havent done anything to you"

Well I don't like to lie so i told him. You're a cock. This went down as well as a lesbian with ten coldsores, and he got really stroppy. He marched off to meet a man from Bolivia and came back ready to scrap, tellin the guy inbetween us how people like me always came unstuck and how he was going to wait til he had a hand and trap me. Oh Boo hoo hoo.

So I find a raggy ace of hearts  in the cut off and limp in with him and the rest of the super passive table. Flop comes 689 hearts. I would normally bet out here to get paid if it comes but I figured if i showed strength too soon I wouldnt get him.

Turn is a 2 hearts and Sniffy Bets out £20. I flat call and everyone else folds. river is Qs and he makes a big deal of looking at his cards and looking at me then eventually bets £40. I'm thinking how much I can get out of him, so I figure he'll call a small raise and bet £40 plus £45. He then thinks for a bit, snorts a quick line and raises again, another £90, leavin himself £80 behind.

I'm convinced my ace is good but do have a moment's thought as to whether he has a straight flush. So I ask him, upon which he then flashes me the 10 hearts. As soon as he's done that I know he hasn't got it so to wind him up some more I ask the dealer if his hand is now dead as he showed a card. Dealer doesn't know what day it is on her planet so Billy joins in the fun and says he thinks i should get a ruling. Greg the manager pops over to tell us Sniffy's hand is live but he cant raise now, he can only call. So I put him all in and he says call.

But he doesnt put his chips over the line and won't turn his cards over.

He's gesturing at me to flip my cards, so I ask him, are you calling. He cant actually speak but nods so I say well put your money in the middle then, until eventually the dealer takes his last few quid and puts it over the line. I showed my hand and he mucked and left leaving a trail of white powder behind him.


So he trapped me really well. Remind me not to go on any survival course with him that involves catching anything in order to eat please.

Blonde updates were great fun and judging by the feedback I had, they were also well received. Made a big mistake on the Friday night when I forgot I wasn't 21 and ended up out on the piss with 5 lads whose combined age wasnt as big as my shoe size. Still held my own on the alcohol intake, and didn't disgrace myself too much... apart from maybe when I got involved in a "who has the biggest tights on" competition while still in the casino. I won obviously when I managed to pull my crotch over my head. Only thing I regretted about the whole night was not getting a dance in the strip club.

Ended up back in the mal maison drinking some vile thing out of the mini bar - vodka an cranberry from a tin - and got a cab back to the casino after no sleep. Other than having the shakes all day and nearly vomiting onto my laptop once, it went okay.

Big bonus in that it may have led to other related work, was approached by a couple of people who have similar work for me and also had a casual meeting with a couple of guys about a possible sponsored team: they mentioned it to me a few weeks ago, and if it comes off, I'll be playing some decent events for very little input, so fingers crossed on that.

It's my birthday on Friday (yay!) and a mate has given me a seat in the Stoke 150 on Sunday as a present, which is a lovely gesture. I'm out on the Friday night with some non-poker mates, which in itself will be a change from the norm so I'm really looking forward to that, then off to UKIPT at Nottingham the week after. So many Facebook buddies are playing UKIPT I think it is going to be very very messy, so maybe I won't actually play and just go for the social side -I reckon this Big Tights comp could run and run.

View from the other side of the table?

This year's GUKPT kicks off in my favourite casino, Manchester G this week, so you'll find me there most of the week.

If this sentence has just made you reach for your Ipod to make sure it has fresh batteries just in case you are unlucky enough to be on my table, panic not. I'm not playing.

It's much worse than that guys. I'm doing live updates for Blonde Poker forum, so no one will be able to escape the Mouth, whatever their seat draw.

For anyone who doesn't know, I was a journalist for many years, but moved into the licensed trade with my ex when we got together. Although I'm still in the pub game, in partnership with a friend at a local bar, I decided this was the year for me to get back into the only thing I do well. Unfortunately the sex industry is a dying trade, so decided to go back to writing instead.

A few phone calls later and I've managed to secure some freelance work with a local online news site as well as some occasional work from a national poker magazine. The chance to do the updating for Blonde is icing on the cake for me, as it will give me a chance to see how it works from the other side of  the felt as well as provide networking opportunities aplenty. I might even get a shag -  Remind me, which casinos is Plinton barred from again?

To be honest, I've a lot to live up to as previous updaters have been as dry as the proverbial nun's crotch, and my humour is slightly more.. shall we say.. obvious? But it won't hurt those Blonde boys to get a different perspective on life, to see the other side of the clunge so to speak.

So there won't be much on here this week, but you'll be able to keep up with what's going on with me by looking for all the ( locked ) threads on Blonde from Thursday :)

DTD £300 -£100000gtd

Whizzed off to DTD yesterday for the £300 I satellited into via Poker Encore for the grand total of zero pennies.

Had a chat with a friend the night before to identify where my weak points are in MTTs, so felt I was at least going to the tourny with a positive head on and a plan, rather than just making up the numbers.

Much good that did me in the end.

Didn't get too involved to start with as my cards weren't too inspiring so it gave me a chance to get an idea of how people played on my table. The table was a good mix, with a couple of old school rocks, couple of good players, two complete novices and one dreadful player who really thought he was great (not me obv - difference being I am not male)

Distinct lack of cards meant i was into level 3 without having made much of an impact, and with my starting stack pretty much intact. Raised with 9 10 mid position and got just one caller , a guy called Neil (?) who I've played before at DTD and know vaguely from Blonde Poker. I know he's capable of calling with any two just to float me - he's just decimated a solid player's stack with the mighty Jack 2 - so when the flop comes down 9 high I'm 100% sure I'm ahead. I bet 600 into the pot of 1000 he raises to 1600. Had a quick think and make the decision he would be raising me here with any underpair, a straight draw or just air and distinctly possible he has the same hand as me. Board is 945.  Iflat his raise.

Turn is 4. Slight scare card as more than possible he's gone ahead now. I check, he checks. River is a queen, which bothers me a lot less than a smaller card. I check to see what he does and he bets just over 3/4 of the pot. Knowing his style of play, the size of the bet made me think my 9 10 was good, mainly because if he had the 4 he wants paying so he bets smaller surely? I can only put him on a busted straight draw so I call and he mucks. Not a monster pot or massive play but one I was happy with because I thought it through based on all the information and won, which is what I'm trying to improve on. Most of my tourny chips are usually lost through not looking at all of the information there.

Found KK a few hands later, raised same guy calls me. Flop 334. I bet about half the pot, he flat calls. Goingback to knowing his calling range I have a little bit of dread that he has 35 or 34 (he wouldn't have made the call with ace 3) Turn is a blank. I have a think and decide if he has a 3 he will be trying to milk me with small bets, but if he has me on AK/AQ he will probably try and take the pot down if I check (he doesnt have a big enough stack to make me fold if he pushes after i bet so I think a check is more likely to get him to push allin) I check, sure enough he shoves for about 5k,I snap call and he flips 77, my Kings held, again I was happy with my way of thinking and the end result.

Still not sure I'm folding KK there if I do think he has a 3, but luckily didn't have to put it to the test :)

Then the wheels fell off. Raised with 88 into an unopened pot, one call from guy who has just sat down at the table. I don't know him and don't know how he plays. Flop 9 7 2 two diamonds. Bet little over half pot (1100) to see where I am and he snap reraises me to 2500, leavin himself 6k behind. I can only put him on a flush draw with maybe kq diamonds or top pair with A9. Idon't think he has an overpair as i felt he would have reraised preflop, and can't see him callin with 910/97 etc when he hasnt played a hand on the table and doesnt know what anyone else is playing like. Maybe this is just what i wanted to believe :(

Turn is a 2 which IMO helps me, I check he checks, river is an 8! I'm thrilled! It's the 8 of diamonds as well so if he's flushing he's about to give me all his chips, and if he does have ace 9 he is also about to give me all of his chips! Sigh. I bet 2600 and he shoves the whole 6k in, I can't call fast enough and yes obviously to everyone else he has 99 in the hole.

I was gutted that I never considered the possibility of 99, and pretty pissed at myself that I didn't consider it.

A guy called Matt joins my table who I know only through the Vegas online league. He plays hands, but is also capable of making moves when the opportunity arises. After a few orbits he raises my BB, having apparently just folded QQ the hand before, so he says, when a paired board got very busy with two other players before him. I know when he loses a pot he works hard to get chips again, so it's possible he is trying to rebuild. Everyone folds round to him and I find 1010 so reraise him, from his 600 to 1600. He then shoves allin for another 5k. Bit of chat and he basically all but tells me he has QQ, and even calls my hand, telling me I have 10s. I'm angry with myself for this hand because my gut instinct was to fold but I made the call out of stubborness. I knew he had an overpair to me but still called. He had Queens.

So I'm down to well below average, I try and stay out of trouble for a bit but my cards aren't getting any better and I don't want to blind away waiting for hand only to be too short to defend it/get paid.

Raise with 89 in cut off shortly afterwards, 5 callers. Respect.

Flop 7 10 7. Worst player at table bets straight out. Previously on a board of 445 he had a 4 in the SB and checked it so I'm confident he has the 10 this time. I flat call, rest of table folds, turn is the 6 to give me the straight. He bets small again ( basically when he is fishing a draw or has a weak hand he bets small but then calls massive raises lol) so I shove. Having watched him make horrendous calls all day long I know he won't pass and sure enough he makes a crying call and asks me if i have a 7, I say "what, you don't?" and show him my straight, he shows ace 10. I'm back in the game ;)

But not for long... Table dynamics changed rapidly with new players coming hard and fast and I had to fold a number of hands preflop to 3/4 bets and on the flop when i couldnt hit a barn door. Eventually go out when bad player number 2 raises on the button as he has done many times with FA. I call with k10 spades in sb, knowing how weakly he will play the flop and confident I can take the pot off him. One other caller is Mr Nofold from the hand before. Flop is 9 high with two spades, I check, Mr NoFold checks, button bets out. I didn't stop to put him on a hand or think about mr Nofold, I shoved the lot in with my flush draw which is exactly the kind of play I was aiming to stay away from. No fold snap calls my allin :( then button insta reraises allin :( :(  i think I'm coming third... Mr No fold has JJ, button has.. a set of 9s. turn is yet another 9 to only give him quads.. I don't wait to see if my flush comes or not, that would just be rubbing salt into the wound.

At least I had plenty of time on the two and a hlaf hour drive home to think about where it all went wrong...

Highlight of the day for me was winding up Pete Linton, which did keep the happy thoughts flowing all the way home.

If you don't know who he is, he's probably the most unpopular guy in British poker, which is some acheivement. I ripped the piss out of him in Blackpool a couple of years ago and he was stunned, as he likes to be the nastiest twat at the table and was shocked that someone - particularly a woman - could take that away from him and in turn redirect it AT him. I had forgotten all about it until the last DTD when he was moved to my table. I vaguely smiled at him thinking I had prob met him before somewhere and he put his hand up into my face and shouted "I am not even going to speak to you, I find you abhorrent, if you even know what that means".

Lucky I had my Tena Lady firmly in place as I pissed myself laughing at the nobjockey who was so obviously wounded by what had been said two years before that he'd learnt a new word and waited to use it on me.

I thought it probably looked like point scoring to tell him I had a post grad in English and Journlism, so instead I just called him a lanky cunt. Easier to keep it at his level.

So yesterday I'm at the bar before we started playing and looked round only to catch his eye. He physically jumped! I have no idea why, as I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a cougar crush, but when we were seated I realised he was sat on the table on the level above me directly in eyeshot. He glanced round and again caught my eye so I gave him my best beaming smile. His eyebrows did some mad kind of body popping caterpillar move and he spun round in his chair to ignore me. But, like a car crash, he couldn't stop looking round and every time he did I was ready for him with an enormous smile like a village idiot waving from the yellow bus. To make it more fun, I told all the other players that I was winding Pete up, and as at least four of the guys on my table thought he was a wanker, it was quite a popular pastime. Pete would look round, I'd beam at him and wave and my table would crease up. Highlight for me was when I mouthed Happy New year to him, as I waved and smiled: with his eyes goggling out of his head his hand involuntarily moved and to his obvious horror he found himself waving back at me with a twisted smile that clearly showed how painful the interaction with me was for him.

I am abhorrent ;)

It's a step in the right direction

Okay so I said satellites online and live cash in my comfort zone boundaries.. Off to a good start, although it has only been three days...

Monday night I remembered i had won a freeroll on Poker TGF (Karl Mahahahahalaharotenfloz's site) for  £25 satellite to the DTD £300. However I had forgotten I was also meant to be working. I emailed Karl (he is listed as poker support on my email, poor guy) but couldn't transfer it to next week so decided I would take the laptop and try to play it if the bar was quiet.

Got off to a flying start in every way as i opened my car door, slipped on the ice and fell flat on my back, half under my own car, laptop upside down in the snow. I was more bothered about the pc which turned out to be fine, which was more than i can say for my left leg which has a bruise the whole length of my shin where i must have smacked it on the underneath of the car.

Anyway eventually got to play tourny as town was dead. We actually shut before the satellite finished, which left me sat in the window of a freezing cold empty town centre bar, with randoms walking past occasionally and banging on the window shouting Billy No Mates at me.

Two seats up for grabs, ended up with three of us, a guy I didn't know who kept sitting out and Tim White, a student who has "Possibly the worst poker player ever" listed as his job on facebook. Pissed it obviously :)

So I'm off to DTD on January 8th for the £300 with Michelle Bricknell, meeting a few others there and having a laugh and hopefully a bit a result to start the new year in nicely. I am the eternal optimist if nothin else.

Popped up to Manchester G again last night for the £50 freezeout, a comp that gets busier every week: 161 runners last night, which considering Bolton had their 3 day festival on, is pretty good. I felt I played quite well: I knew after the fourth level it turns into a bit of a crapshoot so was determined to get some chips to be able to defend/play. Had 46k when the average was 23k and found Jacks in early position in an unraised pot. Raised just over 2.5 bb (blinds 600/1200) and short stack next to me shoved for about 11k total, called and he turns over AJ, one live card that of course comes on turn. Could live with that, shit happens, very next hand UTG find QQ.. same raise, shove by under average player (not just his chips, i'm referring to his ability) has about 12k total, i don't feel I'm behind for a second and he shows me ace 10 off, which of course matches the ace that comes on the river.

He was made up with himself which led me ask "What did you think you were beating with ace 10?" to which his reply was "what do you mean? I don't have to be beating anything - I had an ace."

The table broke at the same time as my spirit which was a relief as I think if i couldnt have made him cry verbally I definitely would have kicked him in the bollocks.

Got it all in later with 99 to suck out against aces which made me feel better - guilty but better - then committed myself with AQ and had to call against AK with the few chips I had left. No river joy for me and i was out in 40th place.

The two lads i had come with were playing cash at at £25 sit down table. I'd deliberately not brought much money with me as I didn't want the opportunity to play cash colour my judgement in the tourny as it usually does, but I decided to sit down with £25. The table vibes were poor and there wasnt any money on there as it had just opened, so i moved to a £50 table 1/1 blinds with £29. Cheeky I know, but that's how I roll ;)

Two hours later I cashed in £480, which although not my best cashout at the G, certainly the best in terms of initial starting stakes.

Freaky stuff on the home front - went out this morning to pick up any little presents that my dog may have left in the garden and found the small shovel i use for this job has disappeared. It was there yesterday in the usual place but is now nowhere to be seen. On top of that, one of urns that had flowers in from dad's funeral has been smashed as well. The back garden is pretty secure, you would physically have to climb a five foot wall to get in and the house wasn't broken into but I'm a little freaked out that someone maybe had a nosy around, particularly as I had told over a thousand people i was off to Manchester by the medium of inyourfacebook.

Working all weekend with the New Year festivities so probably wont be playihng out much now til DTD the weekend after, apart from the Vegas League game on Monday night, and any more satellites that grab my attention.

Happy New Year and may all your dreams come true in 2011

An epiphany just before Epiphany. Bah Humbug.

Christmas was unique for me this year for many reasons, mostly centering around it being the first one without my dad, well actually the first one without anyone at all.

Back in May my mum and I clubbed together to buy Dad flights to Melbourne just before Xmas, and my brother (who lives over there ) got him tickets for the Ashes. He was so excited and happy I can safely say it was his best ever birthday, which considering it was his last goes some short way in making things better.

Anyway he ended up fast tracking himself into the clouds instead of waiting for Singapore Airlines so a few months later Mum is persuaded to go over to oz herself for Xmas. By this stage she was beyond a mess, she's probably had it the hardest as on top of losing her husband and whipping boy of 40 odd years, she then had to cope with the stunts my ex decided to pull, and i think if the doctor hadn't finally got her onto prozac she may have just gone over the edge. My brother suggested my daughter go over with her, which naturally she jumped at the chance of four weeks in the sun instead of the snow, so with my work commitments and various menagerie I was left Home Alone.

Initially I thought I would be working in the pub, but after I couldn't get the rent deal I wanted with Enterprise I gave my notice, which thanks to my solicitor, ended up as a very good deal for me. Probably the only good thing that has actually happened in six months so I reckon by law of averages i must be due a break shortly!

Obviously I had to work out my notice period so starting looking around for what to do next. Briefly considered playing poker, then put down the crackpipe. Then an opportunity came up where i was offered a full partnership in a bar back in my home town, which is only just starting now, so hopefully that will be my 2011.

Anyway, inbetween leaving the pub and moving to new place, I'm staying at my mums, which I now know was probably the worst place I could have been, as all over the festive period I get to be by myself surrounded by photos and reminders of my Dad. It's been emotional, as they say.

Now, when I plan to go out to play poker I know I'm going to have a great time. I appreciate the better the time I have, the worse for the other players on the table, but hey, life's a bitch and so am I. But Britain being covered in snow put the stoppers on that - where I am is one of the worst hit areas, bizarre because we never even see snow - so I have been pretty much tied to the house.

When the ex was on one I used to end up donking off all my money online as it was a release and it was horrible to realise I'd been doing it again, horrible because I don't want to play like that anymore, and horrible as I realised and finally faced up to just how shit the past few months have been and how unhappy I am. Realistically, the only time I play relatively well is in online satellites (I have no idea why) plus online games where I know other players, like the league game I'm in, and live £1/£2 Texas cash games, but only if I have my full concentration head on.

Faced with that knowledge, and backed up by stats, I'm going to have some sort of back up plan in place for when I try and take a seat on any Omaha table, or any online MTT that isnt a satellite or a freeroll. Other than getting a carer or a strait jacket I reckon the best idea is to stick it on here so I can reread it to remind myself next time I go to hit the deposit button.

Incidentally, when we packed up everything in the pub, I found the ex's GUKPT trophy behind the bar. Despite everything that has gone one, I didn't feel i could throw it away as it's probably his greatest achievement in his life and ultimately, whatever I feel about him, it's wasn't mine to chuck away. The two mates who were helping me pack both knew him and one of them suggested giving it to a mutual acquaintance who goes to his local casino each week.

I forgot all  about it until i found out that when she gave it to him (subtly, in front of only about the whole packed cardroom) he then sat her down and apparently told her "the full story". Apparently the story has now changed and not only did i spend all of the money each week from the pub takings, but apparently I also spent all of his winnings. Fuck me i would LOVE to have spent his winnings! £57K, I could have had a ball! Unfortunately, as we were on and off for the whole time after he won Walsall until we split, I never got the chance to get my grasping fists on any of it, mainly because he wasn't living with me, as everyone who knows us knew about and by the time he came back, coincidentally as I opened the new pub, he had already done it all in all by himself, mainly from two visits to DTD where he wanted to play the bigboys and got his ass spanked, and online playing cash and WSOP satellites. That's why he had to sell his 21k motorhome for 16k two months after buying it. GG 57K.

I've never been a bitter person, I'm very much one for dusting myself down and getting straight back on with life, but to find out four months later he's still playing the victim to strangers is a killer, when I know who the real victim was for four years. I can't lose any more sleep or keep making myself ill thinking about this: as I enter the New Year I'm not prepared to have this over me like some massive albatross. Friends and family have told me to rise above it but my levitation skills are wearing very thin. I'm getting to a stage where I'm close to telling strangers exactly what really happened, but then I remember the things that went on that were so personal and I know I'm not going to do it. Pride's about all I have right now and I'll be fucked if i let some twisted midget rip that out of me now like he did for so long while we were together.

Deep breath.

On the up side - I knew there would be one somewhere - I have tenatively made some new friendships over the past few months, with people I think will turn out to be good friends. I am trying to be a better friend to people already in my life, although this past week I have mainly been not answering my phone. facebook is a funny thing, obviously most people on my friend's list are acquintances and poker buddys that I don't really know, but have had a few chats with relative strangers that go a long way to keeping your head straight. There's a guy there who lost a child this year, I've only met him once, but when I'm feeling low I remind myself what he's been through and how he seems to be coping and it somehow puts it into perspective. Another couple of people I only knew to swap hellos with have chatted a bit in depth on there, and again, what theyve been through puts me to shame for being sad. 

Is it easier because it's not face to face? For me it is, for sure, I'm great at dealing with mate's emotions and bad times, but when it comes to my own I just want to be by myself.

Staying on topic but veering to the left, I think I'm the target of a prop bet with some 3rd generation players... but if I'm not, then I apologise to the young (very very young) man involved. :)

I'm braving the ice today to drive to Manchester to meet a couple of mates, Ravy Singh and jay herbert, to play the £100 FO. I only really got to know Jason in Ireland this year and IMO he's a good guy. He involved me as part of a group when I was alone, having just split with ex, and made me feel part of it all, without in any way making me feel uncomfortable. His mate ravy and me have had a few fun pots on the cash table together, which has resulted in him no longer wanting to sit down at my table lol. Can't remember if put on here already but i think the best result was a pot for a few hundred pound that was won at showdown by me with 10 high.

Looking forward to what will hopefully be a good night out, to chase all of the Xmas blues away.

Merry Christmas x

catch up time

Haven't posted for ages, mainly because i had a major case of CBA. So much going on elsewhere, so little time!

I could run over the poker related stuff from the past few months but largely still suffering from CBA, so won't go into detail.

News In Brief...

Won package to IWF, won large amount of cash on first day there which paid for entry to all side events but didn't place any of them. No shocks there. Couple of interesting interludes included being fraped by 2 and a half men ( the half was paul jackson's lad, ben) and potential child abuse by me to a very young French man. He spoke no English, I spoke no French, we got on great.

Won satellite to Palm Beach 1k game in London Mayfair hotel, got a lift of Paul jackson there and back and bubbled a saver for £1500, food and drink was free, total profit £1500. I need more nights like this.

Was sponsored into the Genting Player's Championships at Star City by BankRoll Supply, stuck the BRS badge on my front lady garden for my own entertainment, waiting for stubble to stop scratching. Again, no result there (other than the free Brazillian NB nothing to do with above frenchman)

What else? Oh yeah, doing okay in Monday night Vegas league, our team - the Knit Squad - been in the top 10 all the way and mostly in the top five 10 weeks played 6 to go. A couple of weeks back i had an email from Genting's gary Oakes telling me i was third individually in the league, but guess what? yep, no cash for that either :(

Off topic but amused me highly - played a side event at Blackpool GUKPT, was at bar when Jake Cody - won some big game somewhere - approached me and said "are you caroline Cove". I found this vaguely ironic as surely it should have been the other was around, but it turned out he had heard about Marc railtard Wright calling me a transvestite, which resulted in a few choice words on FB and me offering to stick my cock up his ass, balls deep. Cody liked that. Of course, I then stuck on my status that Cody had approached me and said he'd like to bash the Granny out of me or similar.. Cue Cody on chat - turned out he'd had a few drinks and was worried he might have actually said it!

Now, back to my favourite topic - moaning about other people.

Played at Manchester G last night, as I do regularly. they start cash games around 4pm every day and they often prove pretty good value. When I sat down there was an empty chair next to me with all the chips piled up so I asked who was sat there. On of the regs said "a very lucky lady" while his face said "fishing calling station twat". Turns out I read that completely right...

She sits down and proceeds to limp into every pot. Any raise, regardless of position or the amount, she calls. She folded to ONE raise only, when she was in the SB and a reg raised, folded round to her and she folded 99 face up as she said there was no value there. However, she called all other raises despite lack of value, so I can only assume she is either a. doing him or b. wants to do him.

So a reg, Matt, on my left gets into a pot with her. he has 2 pr, she has a 6 high flush (she can't miss a hand obv). She plays it in her normal style of no-nonsense check calling all the way, with a long pause on river before finally calling while sighing. Matt declares 2 pr and turns his AQ over. She nods at him, as if he's good then says" I've only got a small flush." Now in circumstances like these I think the dealer should be entitled to say " a small flush? oh well then that's no good, 8 or better flushes accepted only, sorry" and then muck her cards, giving her a paper cut on her thumb as he snatches them off her. It's only fair.

So onto my hand - as obviously I'm only setting the scene to vent my outrage at a hand involving me - i'm on the button and there's been a straddle for four quid. Three callers later and the pot is up to 19 pounds with the blinds, I shove on the button with £55. All i want is the 20 quid, I don't for a second think i'm getting a call from any of the limpers apart from her, but I'm assuming even she can't have anything she wants to call £55 with when she's only put £4 in so far.

Oh silly me.

She huffs and puffs for a bit, looking under the table for value and in her granny pants for inspiration, and finally utters the immortal words "Oh I know I'm behind but I'll call" and does so.

Flop A A J.. 2 7. I turn over kq and declare king high. She nods and says yes, good enough. Well fuck me.

Then she slowly turns over a King and says she had kicker problems.... just as the dealer is stacking up MY chips and sliding them over to me, she flips over a Jack. Then "realises" she has two pair - aces and jacks. How we laughed.

I left shortly afterwards as i was concerned i may bite her head.

I headed over to Bolton G where i made myself feel much better by winding some lad up so much I actually wanted to hit me myself. He was the usual resident pro, called everyone else's cards, usually after seeing them, told everyone how they couldnt have had a set as they wouldnt have played it like that, made bad calls simply cos he couldnt fold and then said they were hero calls, unless he lost in which case he couldnt get his cards in the muck quick enough so he could lie about what he had. You know the type.

Anyway, his word of the night was "polarised". After he said it for the fourth time I bit. The conversation went like this:

Me: So what does polarised mean then>
Pro: Erm well its when you have two hands that couldnt be more different.
M: Oh right so if i go home and look in my dictionary that's what it will say?
P: well, no it's probably not actually in the dictionery
M: so you just made it up?
P: no, it does mean that, its just not in the dictionery
M: so did you make it up?
P: No. I just
M: you just made it up?
P: no it means that if you have one hand..
M: ..on the dictionery? will i find it there/
P:it just means..
M: ..that you made it up?

and so it continued.. the dealer was crying laughing, the rest of the table were just bored wating for the dealer to start dealing again and the Pro was ready to slap me. If I'm honest, I was so annoying I really can't blame him, I was even annoying myself. Anyway we got into a hand shortly afterwards in the blinds, i caught two pr on the river and knew he would pay me off, little bit of betting and more chat from me, and the guy says "I'm making a hero call (he really did say that) as I don't think you have anything" and called, I slapped over my 2 pr and smiled at him really sweetly while he showed his pair of threes. No words were necessary.

New plan of action required

okay i bounce through satellites like Tigger on crack, never failing to get a seat if i put my mind to it. BUT come the event I win a seat for I play more like Eeyore, and that's on a good day.

Prime example yesterday, the Liverpool Circus £250, 10k starting stack with 40 minute clock - loads of time, loads of chips.. Now no excuses - well maybe only a little - but it's not been the best week for obvious reasons and i was dreading going to the circus, which is my local, after the ex having got in there before me, plus the delightful shite all over the internet last week from him.

Normally I would happily go to poker by myself - much easier when you're first out :) - but my she-balls seemed temporarily lodged in my throat making it difficult to speak or eat. i'm not the kind of person who finds it easy to ask anyone for help, especially emotional support, but i figured it was time to ask someone to come with me as I just couldn't do it. so i fired off an email (verbal contact not possible due to the gonad throat condition) to two girls who I count as good poker buddies, both of whom i trust completely and both of whom knew a little of what had been going on before the ex imploded last week. Both of them stepped straight up the mark for which i thank them both as it was a hell of relief when they didn't tell me they were busy washing their hair.

Cut a long story short, a group of us all headed in together which was i think the only way I could have walked in there. Walked straight into Paul Action Jack Jackson who proceeded to tell me a delightful tale about a pot of cottage cheese and a woman he didn't like very much. And he didn't seem to know about the week of shame - this made me realise two things, one, that despite global coverage not everyone knew what had happened, and two, never leave any food in Paul's fridge.

Anyway sat down to my big stack, folded away for a while while congratulating myself on my nit status, and then found Jacks in the small blind, and proceeded to play them like a twat. Andy Booth had raised 2.5 BB in early position and had a call from the cut off who I ddn't know. I decided to raise again out of position as i figured i was ahead of andy, who i know quite well, so once he folded, the other guy wouldn't call. Andy DID fold so I got that bit right, but cut off called, flop comes down K 10 5, so i'm out of position with jacks on a k hi board. I wanted to bet but cut-off looked interested in the flop and in his chips so I checked to see what he did. He bet 600 into a 1200 pot so after a little think I raised his 600 to 1800, he calls but looks unhappy, turn is an ace which i'm not loving but bet out hoping to represent AK, he calls, river blank i bet again and he sits forever, looks so close to folding and then calls of course, with ace 10. i have 3k left - which is still 30 bb of course - and a raging urge to smash someone in the face. Preferably myself.

Michelle (Bricknell)still going strong so i sat down on cash where nothing much was really happening, but was heartened by a guy from Blackpool making a point of telling me that no one believed what the ex had posted, and it was all a bit playground styley which did make me feel a lot better. Had something to eat with Rick Doublebubble gilby, CCTV, and others and then moved back to cash where i exited about 150 up in the end. Down point of the day, apart from being shit at tournament poker, was the ex sending me yet another shitty text, plus knowing my car was parked somewhere nearby and I wasn't driving it home. High points of the day were finding out who your friends are, plus something else that isn't for publication - it made me smile anyway, real smiles rather than "look at me I'm really smiling" smiles :)

So the next comp i've satellited into is the big one over in Dublin in october - think i may need to attempt to learn something before that or it's just a waste of a seat. Have decided to grind out a few cash games between now and then, manchester and possibly broadway, where i can concentrate on boosting the bank roll between now and then. Possibly being lucky isn't as long term lucrative as being good lol.

both sides?

Someone I hardly know contacted me to say they understand both sides of the story.. I'm not sure how, as my side hasn't been documented anywhere, by choice.

My ex posted a malicious thread on Blonde poker, AWOP and his blog on Saturday 18th. The post was made up of a great deal of half truths, which made it a very entertaining read for many I believe. However, while there was a lot of things missed out (these points I guess would be my side) and there were a couple of complete lies, his post wasn't and isn't my biggest priority right now.

On Friday 17th I had to go to the police with regards to problems between myself and my ex. He then ran away, as he has done on many occasions before, and took my car, as his was again in the garage where it has been on and off since he bought it. He also took a relatively small sum of money from the pub takings. This has also happened before.

Once he confirmed I was at DTD playing the £300 he then put the thread up to deliberately discredit me and embarass me with maximum exposure, knowing I was sitting with a couple of hundred people who would all be checking updates on Blonde. A few good friends informed me of it immediately and also asked for it to be taken off AWOP. Rob Yong told Blonde to remove it. Blonde poker's representative did ask me if i wanted "right to reply" before it was removed, but as I hadnt actually read it and assumed it was simply a rant, I decided under the circumstances it would only make things worse, bearing in mind the circumstances leading up to him leaving.

I've now read the post and it is worse than I imagined, but knowing him as well as I do, it doesn't surprise me, it just upsets me that something can go so bad, and that someone you loved and supported in every way, including financially, for nearly four years, can be so vindictive.

Luckily, my family and a small circle of friends knew some or all of what has been going on between us for quite some time. I had also consulted a doctor, and my solicitor in the weeks leading up to last weekend's events which obviously will be a help if this ends up in court.

There is a warrant out for his arrest, this is true. The car is also reported as TWOC and if he is stopped in it he will probably be arrested for that as well. These two things were live on Friday and don't relate to his post on Saturday, but obviously since his posts, and his subsequent calls, I will also be seeking a restraining order through my solicitor, as the police have advised me it will take longer to go through the courts. (Obviously the wheels were already turning on this on Friday but it may take up to 3 months doing it that way)

None of this is by choice. There is so much more I would like to post up here but at this moment in time it wouldn't be beneficial in any way to me. And in time, it won't be beneficial to anyone - what will it achieve telling the truth? The few poker people who matter to me already know the truth. My family know the truth. There are many other poker "buddies" out there who don't have a clue and if they choose to judge me based on my ex's desperate attempt to paint himself as a victim then I know they're not people I would waste a second of my day on.

I didn't want to have to reply at all, as it means my ex will then reply - at what point does it stop? I abhor hanging my dirty washing out in public as my friends know - my ex knows this most of all, which is exactly why he did it. So I've kept this as brief as possible and don't really see me discussing it in depth publicly again.Who gives a shit anyway? Normal people will read it shrug and move on. The haters will feed off it for a while, but they never need an excuse anyway.

Onward and upward.

always the bridesmaid....

still running well in satellites. won a seat in the Liverpool 250 next weekend, the 3000 euros package over to the open in Dublin next month and last night managed to get a seat for DTD's deepstack 300 on saturday. Would be nice to actually cash in one of them for a change.

Hadn't actually planned travelling to nottingham so don't even know why i played the sat really but i got fairly well chipped up from the beginning and never really stopped from there. was talking absolute shit as usual, so much so that the whole table pretty much put me on mute. That was a personal first. One player called Maddybird took it all a bit to heart and kept attempting to make " cutting remarks" lol. She then called me a donkey.. wounded. next hand she pushed the ridiculous short stack she had been nursing for 4 hours into the middle with tt, i snapped her hand off with aq and bye bye maddybird. I then typed in - you've just been taken out by a donkey - wp. She had a mostly unintelligible rant about i'd never make it blah blah, dunno if she meant to the final table, to DTD or on the stage, but either way who gives a toss?

Only been to DTD 2 times before and love the place. Have to admit I'm slightly concerned i won't play my best game, no piss take here, the past 6 weeks in the pub have been so bad that if it doesn't turn round soon Ill be out of here, so a cash injection is sorely needed. N ow when you know you actually need to win, rather than just playing for fun with an added bonus if you do cash, it's a completely different game, for me anyway. I was talking to a poker buddy who used to have a bar and he said he hated that he was always topping up the bar with his poker winnings but sometimes needs must. I try to keep my poker money completely separate from work but if you need to buy beer or the gas bill lands on your doorstep and there's no cash in the bank, what do you do.

last time i went to DTD i was on a table with simon trumper who was absolutely gobsmacked at my mouth running off as usual. He actually said to me, I had no idea you were like this. I don't think he meant it as a compliment.
A few guys were watching the table, i ended up including them in the fun and afterwards one of them invited me to come and play on the cash table they were on, which I did. We were having a laugh and so when a valet came over i offered this guy a drink. I wasn't at all embarassed to find out it was actually Rob Yong who owned the place, and all the drinks were free on that table anyway :(

If you're at DTD this weekend come and say hi. If you can't see me, just listen out for me instead and follow the noise.

running good all the way to the Emerald Isles

Had a very good run poker wise of late, despite personal life being complete opposite. Maybe that's how it has to be - to be able to concentrate on the game do you need to be single? When my partner and I split for about the fourth time early this year he went off to Walsall and managed to win the GUKPT main event, we got back together - nada since.

I digress. I try to stay off internet poker as it is only ever used by me as an outlet for external frustrations and adding the fact you've just done 2k in playing games you are no good at doesn't usually help matters when you're stressed.

But.. in the past two weeks I've actually managed to not only cash but to do it quite regularly! Around 8 final tables in a fortnight plus a package to the Irish Winter Festival in October, which is what I'm most happy about. I also won a satellite at the Liverpool Circus to the £250 game at the end of this month and have had some joy at the live cash as well - at this rate the new plate on the car may well have to be changed. At the moment it reads "T1LT X" :)


Malcolm Harwood aka The Rock from RPO has railed me practically every final table so I was pleased to be able to attend the Betfred Ladies Tour on Saturday up at the Broadway casino in Brum to show a bit of support back. I used to huff and puff about the standard of play, back when I thought I was a lot better than I actually was, but now, although the play hasn't changed, I'm aware that if I want to prove anything, I should be able to play anybody, however good or bad they are. One thing though, it's still the same 6k starting stack that it was 3 years ago, but tournament poker has changed immensely in those 3 years and the starting stack should reflect that. £100 FO are ten a penny, so to speak nowadays so i think Malcolm needs a better structure and stack to tempt in the many ladies who play poker regularly, rather than the Valium Vacuous and lipstick lesbians who currently make up the field.

Played well - ish - and got back from 1k up to 13k and donked it all off one hand after the break when I shoved with a flush draw and missed. The most upsetting thing was seeing on the updates I shoved with AQ on a 5 high flop; get the facts right girls it was q4 of hearts on a two heart flop lol.

On the cash table I met dave Colclough, or rather he met me ;) as i chatted shit for Britain. At one point he min raised, I reraised and he shoved, I passed he then showed me.. a duece.
next hand I find 99, he gay raises again, I reraise he shoves I snap call. I've no idea if I'm ahead and we're both doing a bit of a Mexican stand off with neither one of us willing to declare our hand, in case the other one is better lol. The dealer starts to deal the flop and the first card out is a nine. As the dealer puts it down Dave says "I have Jacks" I'm laughing my head off as I say I have a set of 9s, and flip them over, Dave groans and flips his jacks over, just as the dealer turns the third card and yes it's a jack. Guess who's laughing now? To add insult to injury, he asks if he can get me a drink, as after all, I'm paying for it........ Shafted myself for a further few hundred on the OH table and then swapped back to Texas and ground some cash back.

Stayed overnight with Fran Creed then popped over to Stoke with Lynne Beaumont and Michelle Bricknell, two of my favourite ladies in poker, to play the £100 FO which was a good day out. Stayed on for cash and got a fair bit from the Texas table then moved later to DC where i managed to pull a Bruce Lee and a 5 paduki and got paid, so that took me back up from where I started on saturday morning.

Got a fair bit going on otherwise so probably not much poker until this £250 at Liverpool, although I am popping out tomorrow night to a private DC game which hopefully will top me up a little more.

With the circumstances I find myself doing a lot of vague nothing at the moment, inbetween running round sorting the funeral etc out. About half eight last night the other half asked if i was gonna play some online poker so I thought why not, although I knew I wasn't really in the right frame of mind.

Anyway I played the $30 rebuy, $15K gtd on Ipoker and managed to pull off a very creditable 3rd place for $1500. I do think I could have come second only for a real schoolgirl error... I had 72 on the BB and knew the SB would probably limp in again as he had been doing, despit ethe blinds being 5 and 10 k. Every time he did i was raising or pushing all in, and this time I thought I'd let him see a flop, so had auto clicked check. Now I never do this usually as it's an instant giveaway that youhave no hand at all. Anyway, I realised I'd ticked "fold" rather than check, so moved the mouse over to click the check button and clicked, just as he pushed all in. I'd imagine both guys on the table wondered why I snap called 4/5 of my stack off with 72, but now you know :(

His K5 held up.. I had 70K left which I pushed in 2 hands later with 89, missed and left the table. sigh.

Anyway, I'm obviously happy with the result, I generally played well, so hopefully this is the start of a good run. Even better, it may well be that I've started to play better generally lol, as although I havent played much this year, I'm not doing too badly (live rather than online).

RIP My dad

I prefer to keep the blog poker related but this kind of transcends it all. My dad died yesterday, Tuesday, aged 69.

He hadn't been ill, which makes it harder to take. Basically he'd had 3 failed operations on a hernia over the past 5 years, and it kept coming back until it was a ridiculous size, pushing right out through his stomach. The doctors wouldn't try again as they said it was too dangerous. Unfortunately, on Saturday night he was rushed into hospital in agony, apparantly the hernia had strangulated the bowel - they tried to get rid of the poison in his body with tubes everywhere but eventually said they had to operate or he would die.
He was in surgery on Monday for a solid 9 hours.
As far as we knew the surgery had gone well and we all relaxed.
When he came out they deliberately kept him asleep to help his body recover but on Tuesday morning he started to detoriate and they rang us to come over.
They took him back to theatre and found his bowel had died, which meant he was slowly dying and they couldn't do anything to save him.

They explained to us what was going to happen once they reduced all the meds and machines that were keeping him alive and we sat with him until he passed away. I have never watched anyone die before, and to watch your own father die like this is pretty fucking heartbreaking. I'm crying as I write this, what's breaking my heart is he so wasn't ready to die. He had loads in his life and he really used to enjoy himself so to see that ended as it was is hard.

The doctors said he would be able to hear us on some level although fully sedated so we had to try and keep it strong. at the last minute we decided to get my 13 year old daughter from school as they were very close - he worshipped the ground she walked on but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate for her to say goodbye like this. My mum told dad I was going to get Tamsin, and I shot to the school which is literally 5 minutes away, picked her up and briefly filled her in - her instant reaction was to get her back to him to say goodbye before he died.

We ran back to the ICU, all dad's signs were still the same, Tamsin gave him a kiss and held his hand and told him she loved him, and whether coincidence, or whether he had waited for her, he then passed away.

I have to organise stuff now for my mum, while running two pubs and managing my own grief, so i don't see this being a good few weeks. RIP Tony Cove I love you xxx

King of Grim Neil Blatchly

Anyone who has the remotest interest in poker, and many who don't have all now read about the Neil Blatchly scam. Much as I enjoy Blonde poker forum myself you do need a special needs deciphering degree to try and understand what the various phrases mean on there - every post from a regular has lots of [ ] and [X] plus abbreviatons FTW FML DUCY, words that they make their own - grim being a good example - so it's often hard work to try and figure out what someone is actually saying.

Anyway the only good thing that came out of the Blatchgate scandal was the regular posters were all so stunned at the severity of the scam that they started to post in English rather than Blondish so by page 84 it was all a bit more understandable. I think there were so many new members who didn't understand they had to talk in code to fit in with the clique that they kindof broke down the barriers by sheer volume of new posts alone.

Feel sorry for certain mates of Neil in particular Cos and George2Loose, who are both completely blameless in this and have not only been personally scammed but have also had all of their trust and friendship thrown back in their faces.

However, I think people would do well to think about who else Neil was friendly with when looking for a conspirator, other than looking at just poker buddies. Maybe a poker friend with whom he shared other hobbies, I dunno, like golf maybe? mmm.. ;)

Neil only got away with this because Blonde forum members allowed him to manipulate them all into putting him up on a pedestal of his own building: he was just too clever for them to see he provided the steps for him to climb up there. A very clever man - no one involved in this should blame themselves or kick themselves for being gullible - they weren't. Con men like this work very very hard to create an image for people to believe in. More will come out in the future - I woudl imagine we'll find that Neil has done this kind of scam before, more than once.

Don't imagine we'll be seeing him in DTD in the near future, but then again, someone as arrogant as him may really think he can convince people he was just a fool rather than a fraud.

£1k up from Blackpool G cash game

Managed to sneak away from the pub for the night to play the Blackpool G £50 FO, played relatively well until making a monstrous move that was played to perfection. My one schoolgirl error was thinking a guy who didn't have a fold in him could find a fold here. He couldn't, and even came out with the immortal line of I know you're ahead. sigh gg.



Onto the cash table about 11.30pm, full table and pretty constant all night with only the occasional new face but always in the same two seats. Ash Hussien & Gareth "Nugget" Jones were there, Gareth being only the 2nd tightest player on the table for once, as Blackpool Ted (Gnashers) was doing his impression of Mt Rushmore, only not quite as good looking. The only time he lost all night was when he dropped a £1 chip under the table.

I started with the customary drop of a couple of hundred, in my usual manner of trying to outplay people I don't have the first clue about. Slowed down and started to watch a bit and once I felt comfy started standard raising of mediocre hands. Mediocre is actually bigging the hands up a bit if I'm honest.

Raised with 49s UTG (no idea why other than I was holding a strong table image so knew Icould C bet and probably get all callers to fold on most flops.) Flop came 9 4 9. which was nice. I bet straight out half pot and got one caller, a scouser called Billy who is a really nice kid and a decentish player. Now I know he's capable of floating me on the flop and raising on the river - he knows I would have to fold an overpair here if he represents the 9 well enough. I didn't know if he was going to bluff or of he actually had the 9 so decided to let him take the pace on the turn (6) so checked. Billy thought and then bet around half the pot. I reluctantly called, while giving him a load of tosh about "I don't know if I'm good enough to fold this hand" etc. The river was a 2 so I'm only beat by 69 (insert double entendre HERE) so I figure I'm good with my full house. I sat on then bet £25, saying "That's stopped you hasn't it? You thought I'd check agan and you can bet so I have to fold, but what you gonna do now, my bet has stopped your action etc" Billy smiled a little and slowly said raise, which he did, up to £70. Cue best gutted face from me. "thought" about it for a while then said "nice try - try this one for size - I'm allin." His turn to look suprised.

Now I know he obviously has a 9 now and as he hasn't insta called I also know he hasn't filled up (rocket science was my best subject at school) so I go to town on the talk. Laughing my head off I'm telling him he didn't expect that did he, he thought he could raise me and I'd go away, well nice try Billy but I've played you before, you haven't got a 9 and even if you have I know you're a good enough player that you know you can't call that unless you have a full house, which you don't right? So you have got to fold ha ha and so on" Kept telling him what a good player he was and how he knew he couldn't call it with just a bare 9 until he asked the dealer how much it was.. it was £275 more. He looked like he was going to fold, so I started telling him to save his money,how he knew I liked him and didn't want his dough, if he wasn't full he was behind so why not save your cash and pass... Did the trick - he called and I flipped the mighty 49 (he had K9)... bless him :D

Pulled a straight flush as well after raising with 4s6c, flop was 457 all clubs. turn was the 8 clubs, Hungarian guy called my bets on flop and turn then raised river, to which I more or less min raised as I figured that wa sthe most I would get. He hummed for a bit (better than Hungary's Eurovision entry this year) and called, before I even flipped it over Ash Hussein was saying straight flush - am I that obvious?!

Left about 4.30am with a nice wad of £50s and loads of curly £20s (the cokeheads are ruining our banknotes) and drove home feeling quite happy. Good mood slightly dimmed by the other half pissed out of his skull and snoring for Britain, rendering even 2 hours sleep impossible.

ooh hello there

Once again - testing to see if this works. My blog is behaving just like me - very badly! Allowing access when it feels like it and refusing all other attempts - again, just like me.

Any PC whizzes email me on 2009cal@live.co.uk to tell me how to transfer all this blog to a new one - I don't want to start again!

I enjoyed reading the last post's comments, nice posts about my dick - how do these people know these things? I've gotta stop wearing these short skirts - the hairy ball sac hanging beneath the hemline is SUCH a give away. sigh.

Poker? PLayed a little, won a little, lost.... a little more :)

No doubt anyone familiar with me now knows I came third in the Women's World Open a couple of months ago - cue loads of new facebook buddies I've never met and have no mutual friends in common with. Not sure what they want from me - maybe they've heard about the penis thing and feel Thailand is just to far to go when you can get a homegrown one right here in the North.

Gearing up for a trip to Liverpool hopefully for the festival at the beginning of the month. I'll see if this allows me to post and more importantly, access it afterwards, then hopefully get back into blogging.