Well Hello der blog, I forgot all about you.

Worked at DTD last weekend doing updates for the Chip Leader comp, and thought, as I usually do, "Why aren't I playing this?"

Then I remembered the answer was the same as always - "oh yes, because i have no money".

But I've never been one to let mere detail get in the way of my wish list, so decided I was going to play the £150 the following Saturday night. Being a little way short of the buy-in - about £149.78 short to be precise - I thought I'd tap up Paul Jackson for sponsorship in exchange for his continual use of me as his stooge in his Bluff magazine column.

But then on Tuesday night I noticed Richard Prew spamming the airwaves with details about satellites at DTD online. Fired it up and I had a few Euros already in there so decided to give it a go. Bizarrely I won - and yes, there were other runners - so that was my £150 seat in the bag for 6 Euros, with the added bonus that i wouldn't need to pay any of my winnings out to Paul after I took it down.

So I did the two hour drive and sat down at my table, feeling a bit wierd to be actually playing there rather than taking photos, writing updates and dodging pints from Dave Maudlin's mates. Ordered a drink and the valet said "Is it on the Blonde account?".... Tempting to say yes, but figured that was the quickest way to find I no longer had an account, or a job, so decided just paying for the coffee was the best option.

Pretty much folded for the first level to see what was happening on my table, plus I never had a card above an eight. Ish the Fish was running the table from an early stage, raising 9/10 hands and barrelling every street so I was happy to watch for a while. Had new breeds Liam Batey to my right and Tommy Bingham three to my left, Ish somewhere in the middle and the rest seemed pretty solid.

Into Level 2 and I haven't seen a card  so decide it's time to start making my own action. Had only played one hand, weakly, and so wasn't exactly setting a table presence as of yet.

So I decided to take Ish the Fish's crown off him. He was so involved in every pot and wasn't up for folding much so next time he raised in EP I 3 bet with 67off in the cut off. Button wrecks my plan by raising again - it's the first hand he's played so far. I've folded in my head until Ish calls so I employ that old chestnut of being priced in and make the call.

Flop comes 10 8 2. Ish checks as do I and button bets out 1400, bearing in mind his OR was 1650, so theres already about 5K in the middle. Ish looks at me and says "go on then, I'll call once for my flush"

It's a rainbow board so I'm pretty sure he's not being 100% honest.

Now I've found honesty really is the best policy in life, and more so at the poker table where everyone always assumes you are lying.

So I say "Well go on then I'll call once for my middle pin"

Turn is .. nine. Call it and it will come.

I laughed and said "there it is".

There was a clue there.. but no one picked up on it.  Probably because the whole table was wearing headphones by this stage.

Ish bets out 5K. I can flat here as I'm pretty secure the bottom end of the straight is still beating whatever he has, but at the same time I'd rather get it in good as the saying goes. I don't think he's folding for another 6/7K so I get it all in for around 13K.

Button man goes into the tank. Ish looks at me and says button guy has Kings. "Nah" I laughed "easy fold for him, he has AK or AQ, he's never calling" Trash talk worked and button guy gets it in for about the same amount, Ish then calls. I say to Ish "He has Aces not Kings" and sure enough he turns over pocket rockets, drawing dead. Ish's hand is the one I'm more worried about and he flips over 79, so he has second pair and the open end draw - a Jack kills me.

I call out loud for a duece and the dealer duly obliges, popping a cheeky 2 on the river. Scoop. I'm on about 44K now, average 22k and we're just an hour into the game. Bean flicking time.

I'm feeling pretty good now: as soon as I win a hand like that it pops my already over bearing confidence into LAG overdrive and now I'm popping it up UTG with nine high, getting six callers and taking it down on the flop, chatting shit and generally browbeating anyone in a pot with me until they fold/call, depending on what I want them to do.

Liam Batey raises and I three bet him with 9c 10c. Pretty cards.

He chooses to flat and we see a seven high rag flop, with two clubs. He checks, OOP to me and I'm feeling he will be checkraising any bet I make here, which is going to put me to the test. Plus in the unlikely event of him having nothing himself he's only folding if I bet, so I decide to take a free card myself and check. Low Club on the turn makes my flush.

Liam bets out quite strong so I raised. Bear in mind I usually play the local £15 FO where players don't fold, so I raise and he folds pocket Jacks (both red). On a nine high board.

I feel cheated.

Then we get in another pot. I don't quite know how but I've got 4c5s after a raise from Ish, in a five way pot where the board reads AQ5, two clubs. Even Ish hasn't got the balls to bet that one so it's checked round to allow me to catch another 5 on the turn, but it's a club so potential flush is out there.

Ish bets out pretty strong. Liam flat calls after a bit of thought, and I raise. Everyone else folds, including Ish but Liam calls. River is a Jack, no club.

Liam checks and I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I know I'm not the greatest player and tend to go with my gut which tells me my trip fives are smashing any hand he is holding. But I also know if I bet this river and he goes all in I'm going to have to fold, as he will have repped what I'm worried about - a better hand! My gut says I'm winning and I know I have to value bet the river as he is holding a good enough hand to pay me, but I'm still nervous, so the verbal diahorrea starts.

I say "I'm going to have to bet this river now Liam. I know it's a bit of a risk because if I value bet my hand and you then go over the top of me, I'm probably gonna have to fold, but I couldn't live with myself if I checked this hand down in position. The whole table would laugh at me"

Told you honesty was the best policy didn't I?

So I bet - 7k, the same amount I raised to on the turn. It is a small bet, for no other reason than I was so busy chatting shit i didn't actually think about the pot size, my bad.

Liam goes so far into the tank I'm thinking we'll need a submarine to get him out. I know he has to pay me but I'm still nervous that he's going to raise so carry on verbally assaulting him.

"No shame in folding to a woman Liam, no shame at all. No one at the table will point and laugh saying he just folded to a woman. Especially a woman old enough to be your mum"

Liam laughs and asks how old do I think he is. "About 16" is my answer which gets a giggle from the table: Liam says for you to be my mum you'd have to have had me at 15.

... Maybe Liam. They don't call me the Cougar for nothing you know.


I tell him to take his time, I understand he feels ashamed that he may be folding to a woman, that he doesn't need to feel bad about not playing the hand well (!): I tell him if he calls he will have to go through the shame of tapping the table as he mucks, and as he goes to pick up his chips I say "Please don't call. Either fold or go all in. If you call I'm going to have to show my hand and I can't stand the shame of everyone else seeing how bad it is. I'd rather you just folded or went all in so I can fold and preserve my dignity"

It works, he calls and i flip over my 45. He nods and mucks.

I tap the table really loudly, then stop and say "On no, it's you who is meant to tap my hand isn't it?"

I would cheerfully have slapped me if I was him at that point. But full brownie points to him, he didn't even tell me to piss off, which was nice.

I'm on 72K now, av 29K and I'm feeling pretty good, until my table breaks.

Get moved to a table with a few regular DTD faces and proceed to loudly play a couple more hands, when i possibly should have waited to see what my table was up to, same as when I first sat down. Overestimated the game of a couple of players, stupidly thinking they had folds in them when they had less fold than a pane of safety glass.

My confidence took a knock and instead of just walking away and having a five minute de-stress, I stayed in place and played four hands on the trot really weakly, flat callin out of position with hands like A9 to check fold on a five high board. A guy got moved to my right who always massively tilts me. I'm a really big believer in auras and mental energy etc and this guy literally gives me the shivers every time I see him at DTD as he is a massive ball of negative energy and as soon as he's near me I feel myself being drained.So combine him with the fact I've just donked off 50K in five hands or so and I'm feeling really negative.

I go for a walk to try and get myself back up there and sit back down with my Ipod in so I can at least pretend I can't hear him speaking to me. He limps in as he does every hand, despite the blinds now being 8/1600  and I find aces. Bonus. I've still got the whole table behind me so raise it up to 5K, next player to act goes allin - happy days. He has about 20K, folds round to the guy with the black soul who flat calls, as I do. I don't want to lose him do I?

Flop is 878 and he checks. I go all in for about another 20K - he only has about 12K behind. Yes - he is that bad.

Put everything I had into acting really irritable as if I didnt want a call, although I dont see how he can fold for what he has left. I'm also aware if he has an 8 I'm probably going to be banned for life after I hit him with a chair. Again my trash talk gets him in - with Q 10. I have no idea what he thought he was beating or what he thought I had, but I wasnt unhappy to see he hadnt actually hit anything and had less outs than a sealed cardboard box.

So Ive got chips again, Im well over average and I'm still stacking them up when it's my turn to act and lo, I now have a pair of kings in the hole.These are literally the first two big hands I have found preflop all night and they couldnt have come at a better time. I make it 5.5k to go, blinds are now 1/2K. One caller in mid position and the big blind completes to see a Jack high flop with two clubs. 17K in the middle and I bet 11.5K. Too little? Who knows, caller folds and BB picks up a whopping stack of purple 5K chips and plonks them over the line to effectively put me all in.

I have an overpair to the board and I'm not folding. I'm obviously not good enough, but I also don't know how many other players fold Kings on a jack high board.

BB has 6c 8c for a flush draw (no pair) and ofc gets there on the turn. I still have outs with the King of clubs but the dealer wants me out of range to protect his ears and puts a diamond out there. Cheers.

Two hour drive home spent cursing like Dreenie on speed.No idea if I played those Kings badly or if it's simply bad luck that his flush draw gets there - he had been pretty much running like God. If I win the hand I'm pretty much chip leader and the way I was playing I think I really could have got there, which isn't something I usually think, so do feel a little cheated. But it's all gravy and talking of gravy, it's time for me to head into the kitchen to prepare a roast dinner for the family - I know my place. Hopefully less cooking and more poker soon.



Comments open for you to say your piece. I would prefer them blog related rather than the haters and the fakes dropping by to anonymously spount their venom but who takes anyone seriously when they don't have the cojones to leave their real name anyway...