An epiphany just before Epiphany. Bah Humbug.

Christmas was unique for me this year for many reasons, mostly centering around it being the first one without my dad, well actually the first one without anyone at all.

Back in May my mum and I clubbed together to buy Dad flights to Melbourne just before Xmas, and my brother (who lives over there ) got him tickets for the Ashes. He was so excited and happy I can safely say it was his best ever birthday, which considering it was his last goes some short way in making things better.

Anyway he ended up fast tracking himself into the clouds instead of waiting for Singapore Airlines so a few months later Mum is persuaded to go over to oz herself for Xmas. By this stage she was beyond a mess, she's probably had it the hardest as on top of losing her husband and whipping boy of 40 odd years, she then had to cope with the stunts my ex decided to pull, and i think if the doctor hadn't finally got her onto prozac she may have just gone over the edge. My brother suggested my daughter go over with her, which naturally she jumped at the chance of four weeks in the sun instead of the snow, so with my work commitments and various menagerie I was left Home Alone.

Initially I thought I would be working in the pub, but after I couldn't get the rent deal I wanted with Enterprise I gave my notice, which thanks to my solicitor, ended up as a very good deal for me. Probably the only good thing that has actually happened in six months so I reckon by law of averages i must be due a break shortly!

Obviously I had to work out my notice period so starting looking around for what to do next. Briefly considered playing poker, then put down the crackpipe. Then an opportunity came up where i was offered a full partnership in a bar back in my home town, which is only just starting now, so hopefully that will be my 2011.

Anyway, inbetween leaving the pub and moving to new place, I'm staying at my mums, which I now know was probably the worst place I could have been, as all over the festive period I get to be by myself surrounded by photos and reminders of my Dad. It's been emotional, as they say.

Now, when I plan to go out to play poker I know I'm going to have a great time. I appreciate the better the time I have, the worse for the other players on the table, but hey, life's a bitch and so am I. But Britain being covered in snow put the stoppers on that - where I am is one of the worst hit areas, bizarre because we never even see snow - so I have been pretty much tied to the house.

When the ex was on one I used to end up donking off all my money online as it was a release and it was horrible to realise I'd been doing it again, horrible because I don't want to play like that anymore, and horrible as I realised and finally faced up to just how shit the past few months have been and how unhappy I am. Realistically, the only time I play relatively well is in online satellites (I have no idea why) plus online games where I know other players, like the league game I'm in, and live £1/£2 Texas cash games, but only if I have my full concentration head on.

Faced with that knowledge, and backed up by stats, I'm going to have some sort of back up plan in place for when I try and take a seat on any Omaha table, or any online MTT that isnt a satellite or a freeroll. Other than getting a carer or a strait jacket I reckon the best idea is to stick it on here so I can reread it to remind myself next time I go to hit the deposit button.

Incidentally, when we packed up everything in the pub, I found the ex's GUKPT trophy behind the bar. Despite everything that has gone one, I didn't feel i could throw it away as it's probably his greatest achievement in his life and ultimately, whatever I feel about him, it's wasn't mine to chuck away. The two mates who were helping me pack both knew him and one of them suggested giving it to a mutual acquaintance who goes to his local casino each week.

I forgot all  about it until i found out that when she gave it to him (subtly, in front of only about the whole packed cardroom) he then sat her down and apparently told her "the full story". Apparently the story has now changed and not only did i spend all of the money each week from the pub takings, but apparently I also spent all of his winnings. Fuck me i would LOVE to have spent his winnings! £57K, I could have had a ball! Unfortunately, as we were on and off for the whole time after he won Walsall until we split, I never got the chance to get my grasping fists on any of it, mainly because he wasn't living with me, as everyone who knows us knew about and by the time he came back, coincidentally as I opened the new pub, he had already done it all in all by himself, mainly from two visits to DTD where he wanted to play the bigboys and got his ass spanked, and online playing cash and WSOP satellites. That's why he had to sell his 21k motorhome for 16k two months after buying it. GG 57K.

I've never been a bitter person, I'm very much one for dusting myself down and getting straight back on with life, but to find out four months later he's still playing the victim to strangers is a killer, when I know who the real victim was for four years. I can't lose any more sleep or keep making myself ill thinking about this: as I enter the New Year I'm not prepared to have this over me like some massive albatross. Friends and family have told me to rise above it but my levitation skills are wearing very thin. I'm getting to a stage where I'm close to telling strangers exactly what really happened, but then I remember the things that went on that were so personal and I know I'm not going to do it. Pride's about all I have right now and I'll be fucked if i let some twisted midget rip that out of me now like he did for so long while we were together.

Deep breath.

On the up side - I knew there would be one somewhere - I have tenatively made some new friendships over the past few months, with people I think will turn out to be good friends. I am trying to be a better friend to people already in my life, although this past week I have mainly been not answering my phone. facebook is a funny thing, obviously most people on my friend's list are acquintances and poker buddys that I don't really know, but have had a few chats with relative strangers that go a long way to keeping your head straight. There's a guy there who lost a child this year, I've only met him once, but when I'm feeling low I remind myself what he's been through and how he seems to be coping and it somehow puts it into perspective. Another couple of people I only knew to swap hellos with have chatted a bit in depth on there, and again, what theyve been through puts me to shame for being sad. 

Is it easier because it's not face to face? For me it is, for sure, I'm great at dealing with mate's emotions and bad times, but when it comes to my own I just want to be by myself.

Staying on topic but veering to the left, I think I'm the target of a prop bet with some 3rd generation players... but if I'm not, then I apologise to the young (very very young) man involved. :)

I'm braving the ice today to drive to Manchester to meet a couple of mates, Ravy Singh and jay herbert, to play the £100 FO. I only really got to know Jason in Ireland this year and IMO he's a good guy. He involved me as part of a group when I was alone, having just split with ex, and made me feel part of it all, without in any way making me feel uncomfortable. His mate ravy and me have had a few fun pots on the cash table together, which has resulted in him no longer wanting to sit down at my table lol. Can't remember if put on here already but i think the best result was a pot for a few hundred pound that was won at showdown by me with 10 high.

Looking forward to what will hopefully be a good night out, to chase all of the Xmas blues away.

Merry Christmas x